


The Green-Eyed Monster

by Bow_of_Artemis



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), First Kiss, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Richie is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 11:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21813913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bow_of_Artemis/pseuds/Bow_of_Artemis
Summary: Richie is just trying to enjoy his last day of school when Lisa Albrecht decides to ask Eddie out on a date. This leads Richie into a spiral leading to some very important revelations and life changes.----He doesn’t even know if Eddie likes Lisa, he’s certainly never heard Eddie talk about her. Why did he say yes then if he doesn’t even like her? He finally takes a good look at Eddie again and he’s sitting there, eyes wide in shock looking around at the other Losers. His mouth is hanging slightly open and his hands are fidgeting, slightly wringing his fingers between each other. But he’s undeniably happy. As soon as Richie sees him looking like that, Richie’s anger explodes inside of him for some reason. He can’t place a finger on why but suddenly he’s hot with rage. He feels like his stomach is bubbling with lava and all he wants to do is scream. But he can’t, so he forces that anger deeper down inside of him.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 147





	The Green-Eyed Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Rated T for swearing  
(Warning for very occasional use of the f slur)
> 
> This is probably the longest thing I've ever written so give it some love to let me know I didn't just waste my time, but I'm really happy with how it turned out.

The day started like any other, Richie supposed. He woke up, almost missed the bus to school, sat bored in all his classes. Someone might not even realise that it was the last day of his freshman year. But inside Richie was buzzing with excitement. He was almost free to do whatever he wanted, no teachers to give him homework, no parents on his back, and he could finally dedicate his time to the Losers, his best friends. He was looking forward to staying out on warm summer nights just sitting and talking with each other about nothing and everything all at once. That is until lunch when his day took a sharp sour turn.

The Losers were sitting and eating their lunch talking about what they wanted to do over the summer. Beverly suggested swims at the quarry, Eddie adamantly refused, citing what seemed like a million diseases he could contract just off the top of his head. Then, they heard someone clear their throat. They all turn to look at where the noise had come from and found Lisa Albrecht standing there, head slightly bowed shyly. She didn’t immediately say anything, and Richie got annoyed, they were just in the middle of a conversation. “Well are you going to say something or are you just going to stand there?” Richie asks impatiently, not caring any less about what she’s about to say.

In response he was greeted with a slap on his arm alongside a stern look by Stan and Beverly hissing “Shut up, Richie!” under her breath. Richie rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders, bringing his hand to cradle where Stan had slapped him. There was definitely going to be a red mark there later. But at least it seemed to get Lisa to talk.

“Right, well, um….” She starts and Richie glares at her “I was just wondering if Eddie wanted to go to a movie or something with me?” she asks quietly, feet shuffling around on the floor and one hand nervously playing with the ends of her hair. Richie wasn’t even sure that he heard her correctly. His suspicions seemed to be confirmed when he glanced over at Eddie who had shot up in surprise, wide eyes staring at her. Richie suddenly feels his stomach turn sickeningly but he ignores it subconsciously trying to blame it on the dodgy food he was served for lunch.

“I- well, I- um” Eddie stutters out, obviously in shock. He looks around to the rest of the Losers for guidance and sees them all looking at him expectantly, obviously trying to goad him to say yes. Well, all of the Losers but Richie who has decided to sit with his arms crossed actively choosing not to participate in this decision. He’s aware that he probably looks like child, but he doesn’t give a shit because nobody’s looking at him. They’re all too focused on Eddie with Eddie himself still not having taken his eyes off of Lisa. Eddie smiles and finally forces out a weak “yes, I’d like that”. Lisa breaks into a smile. Richie’s expression only sours.

“Great! Tomorrow night meet you at the cinema at 7?” she offers, and Eddie responds with a nod and a smile, seemingly not able to get a coherent sentence out. “Right so, I’ll be going” she says awkwardly after a beat of silence and turns away, obviously going back to a group of girls who all seem overly excited at hear the news. Richie looks over at them all giggling happily with each other, heads huddled together. It makes him feel sick. Finally, he drags his eyes away from that table and turns his attention back to the Losers all sitting around smiling at Eddie and patting him on the back.

“G-G-Good for you, man” he hears Bill say and for some reason that makes Richie mad. This isn’t _good _for Eddie. He didn’t even do anything! Some desperate girl came up to Eddie and all he did was say yes. He doesn’t even know if Eddie _likes_ Lisa, he’s certainly never heard Eddie talk about her. Why did he say yes then if he doesn’t even like her? He finally takes a good look at Eddie again and he’s sitting there, eyes wide in shock looking around at the other Losers. His mouth is hanging slightly open and his hands are fidgeting, slightly wringing his fingers between each other. But he’s undeniably happy. As soon as Richie sees him looking like that, Richie’s anger explodes inside of him for some reason. He can’t place a finger on why but suddenly he’s hot with rage. He feels like his stomach is bubbling with lava and all he wants to do is scream. But he can’t, so he forces that anger deeper down inside of him. Then, he’s very suddenly snapped out of his own mind.

“Richie!” he hears Eddie call.

“Yeah, what?” he spits harshly snapping his neck around to look at Eddie, and Eddie looks back at him, confused and annoyed. Obviously, he hadn’t been able to push that anger down far enough.

“I asked you what you think of Lisa. You haven’t said anything this whole time!” Eddie says accusingly and suddenly Richie was incredibly aware that the Losers were all staring at him. Richie immediately felt self-conscious worrying that somehow, they could see inside his mind. See the incredible wave of rage that even he couldn’t understand why it was there. But he needed to say something.

“Yeah… I guess she’s cool or whatever” he mumbles, shrugging. He really couldn’t give a shit about her at this point. All he knows is that she makes him mad. He barely even knows this girl and just the thought of her makes Richie’s blood boil. More specifically the thought of her and Eddie, together. That was the thought that terrified Richie the most. No, Richie refuses to go down that path. It’s just her and her stupid face that makes him mad. It has nothing to do with Eddie, he swears.

“She’s cool or whatever?!” Eddie exclaims incredulously. “I just got asked out, something you’ve been teasing me about never happening for _years_ and when it finally happens that’s all you have to say!” Richie is suddenly overcome with a wave of guilt. He should feel happy for Eddie, he should at least be able to pretend to be happy for him instead of losing himself within his own uncontrollable and unexplainable emotions. He’s been blinded by his own problems to see that Eddie just wants Richie to feel happy for him. Richie sucks on his teeth and swallows his pride, plastering on a fake smile.

“You’re right, I’m happy for you. My Eddie Spaghetti is finally growing up and getting that puss” he jokes in an attempt to cover up what he’s really feeling. This earns him a shove and an eyeroll. Eddie looks back over at Lisa and her table of friends. He sees Lisa lock eyes with Eddie and give him a small wave, which Eddie returns, quietly smiling to himself. Suddenly, Richie can’t be here anymore. He feels the anger return with a vengeance and he knows if he stays here it’ll make him do something he’ll regret. He stands up quickly and gathers up the remains of his lunch as fast as he can, purposefully avoiding looking at the rest of the Losers, especially Eddie. “Sorry I just remembered that I have to go see Mr. Snyder this lunch” he says as the first excuse he can think of. He knows it’s flimsy and makes no sense as it’s the last day of the school year but at this point, he’s lucky to have even forced something out.

“Richie what-?” he hears Eddie start, but he’s gone. Richie’s running as far away from the rest of his friends as he can. Once he knows that they can’t see him anymore he stops to catch his breath and realises he didn’t actually have anywhere to go. It’s not like he has other friends to go see but he’s sure as hell not returning back to the Losers. He resigns himself to locking himself in a bathroom stall for the rest of lunch. It’s better than having to look at Eddie and Lisa for one more second.

-

Richie actively avoids talking to the Losers for the rest of the day, knowing that they’re going to force him to talk about why he was being so weird at lunch. Why he was ruder than usual and got up and left without a good explanation. How was he meant to tell them what happened when even he didn’t know? All he knows is Lisa Albrecht makes his blood boil. His efforts turn out to be in vain because just as he’s leaving the school Beverly rushes up to him and grabs onto his shoulder, forcing him to stop and look at her.

“What the fuck was wrong with you at lunch today?!” she demands obviously pent up with anger at his refusal to talk to her before. Richie tries to shrug her off and turn away. He was so close to escape.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he lies “I told you, Mr. Snyder wanted to see me” like repeating this would make in any more believable. Beverly rolls her eyes and lets out an annoyed sigh, obviously unsatisfied with Richie’s answer.

“Yeah, a teacher just needs to see you on the last day, and anyway you know that’s not what I’m talking about” Richie stares at her, feigning confusion. “Obviously you had a problem with Lisa asking Eddie out and I want an explanation!” her eyes pressing deeper into Richie’s soul. It all feels too close for Richie’s comfort like she’s too close to a truth that his brain isn’t letting him think about. She’s still impatiently waiting for an explanation and he feels that anger start to rise up in him again.

“Just drop it okay!” he screams at her, earning stares from the people around him, the stragglers who haven’t quite made it out of the school ground to summer freedom. He looks back at Beverly and her face is a mixture of shock, confusion, and concern. Richie hates it. He quickly turns to walk towards the exit of the school grounds. The walk picks up pace quickly and soon he’s sprinting down the side of the road, pushing through anybody who comes in his path. His throat is burning, and he can feel his eyes begin to water. The thought of anybody seeing him like this is awful. He knows Beverly tried to follow him, to chase him down. But his long legs were a huge advantage and soon enough Beverly loses him. He sprints across town into the woods until he finds a place where he knows he’s alone. A small secluded area, partially hidden by trees around it with no sign of people anywhere close. There, he curls up into a ball at the base of a tree trunk and lets everything fall out.

He’s sobbing with anger at Lisa Albrecht for having the audacity to ask Eddie out, especially in front of him; with anger at Eddie for saying yes; with anger at the rest of the Losers for encouraging Eddie to yes in the first place; with anger at Bev for trying to get him to open up. He knows it’s none of their faults but that doesn’t stop the pain anymore. It’s not long before he realises that he’s not actually sobbing with anger. No, there was a much deeper emotion at the root of it. One his brain had tried to cover up and ignore. Because thinking about it made it real, and he isn’t able to deal with the implications of what that means. He knows that anger isn’t the root of his tears. Deep down he knows that he’s sobbing with _jealousy_.

It’s a disgusting ugly word but as soon as he realises, he knows it’s true. He’s jealous of Lisa for having the audacity to ask Eddie out in the first place. He’s jealous of the quiet looks Eddie gave her and the little smile on his face. He knows that he’s not jealous of Eddie. That he’s not jealous because he wants to go out with Lisa instead. He’s never even given her a second thought before today. He also knows that it’s not because he’s jealous that Eddie even got asked out in the first place. That he just feels so lonely that he can’t even be happy for someone else’s relationship. He’s jealous of Lisa for being able to go out with Eddie in the first place. He wants to be in Lisa’s place making Eddie smile like that. He got so angry when Eddie smiled at Lisa with those wide eyes because he wanted it to be _him_ that Eddie was looking at like that. Just the thought of what that means makes Richie shake with fear.

He’s become a jealous piece of shit over something that could never happen. An impossible fantasy from the mind of a sad and damaged boy. He stood at the doorstep of the green-eyed monster and was taken inside, captured with no means of escape. His stomach churns even harsher than before and before he knows it, he leaning to the side and the contents of his half-eaten lunch spew out all over the dirty woodland floor. He sees it has a slight green tinge. _‘Figures’_ he thinks ‘_even my fucking vomit is telling me I’m a jealous piece of shit’_. He stands up, needing to get away from that taunting reminder and begins walking home. He can’t stand the sight of this place anymore.

He knows he still looks like shit. His hair is dishevelled, and his eyes are still red. He probably reeks of vomit and he can still taste sour traces on his tongue. But he still continues walking home anyway hoping that maybe a shower and a hard scrub down with soap can help him clean not only how he looks on the outside, but how he feels on the inside too. That maybe somehow the water will wash away how dirty he is both inside and out. Of course, he knows that’s not how it works. But he can still dream.

-

Richie has a restless night that night. Even if the shower made him seem like he looked alright on the outside he still didn’t feel any better on the inside. His mind was plagued with thoughts of Eddie and Lisa on their date tomorrow night probably giggling together at some shitty rom-com Lisa dragged Eddie into. Then before Richie even realises what’s happening, suddenly he’s putting himself in the place of Lisa. He’s sitting in the movie and glancing over at Eddie, whose eyes are fixated on the screen. Richie reaches in to grab more popcorn and accidentally brushes Eddie’s hand, which was reaching in at the same time. They pull away, lightly giggling and he can see a blush rising up in Eddie’s cheeks. Richie puts his hand back into the popcorn bucket and is surprised to find Eddie’s sitting there, open. Richie seems to understand what Eddie means and places his hand in Eddie’s lightly holding their hands together. Then he looks over at Eddie and sees Eddie staring back at him. A light smile on his face. Then suddenly, before Richie even realises what happening their both leaning in. Richie’s heart is racing but he doesn’t stop. He’s looking at Eddie’s lips and they just keep coming. Closer, closer, closer…

Richie wakes with a start, his heart racing at a mile a minute. There’s no denying what that dream meant. He can’t just play it off like it’s a thing that normal people think about their best friends when they get close. But now that he thinks about it… he’s done that before. He’s had dreams where all he’s thinking about is Eddie. His dreams were littered with times where’s he’s looking at Eddie, thinking about him like he’s the prized portrait in an art gallery. Examining every little quirk and feature he’s memorised about Eddie from all the times they’ve hung out. Things that normal best friends wouldn’t notice about each other. Like the way the edges of Eddie’s mouth slightly quirk up when he laughs; or how he fiddles with the hem of his shirt when he’s in a place he wants to leave; or his nervous habit of picking around his nails when he thinks nobody’s watching. But Richie was watching. He realises that he’s been watching for a while, his brain just refused to let him notice.

All those thoughts, those dreams, they were easy to ignore. To repress the fact that they meant anything, and he thought about Eddie the same way everyone thinks about their best friend. But tonight, the floodgates opened. There’s no way to that Richie can lie to himself that he just thinks of Eddie as a best friend anymore. People don’t usually think about kissing their best friend. Especially not when they know that they’ll_ enjoy_ it. Richie knows that there’s no way he’s getting back to sleep now. He’s become scared of his own thoughts. Where they’ll take him next. He can’t even trust his own brain anymore. He looks over at his clock and sees that it reads 4:30 in bright red numbers. He groans into his pillows. It’s the start of summer he’s meant to be able to sleep in, relax, enjoy himself but instead he’s lying awake at four thirty in the morning too afraid to go to sleep because he doesn’t want any more gay dreams of kissing his best friend.

_Gay. _The word leaves a sour taste in his mouth. He hadn’t fully realised that this was probably what his thoughts meant, or at least his brain hadn’t allowed him to. That all the names Bowers throws at him are actually true. He has to live out the rest of his life knowing that he’s a sad and lonely little faggot who’s undeserving of other people’s love. I mean that’s what happens to gay people right? That’s what everyone in this fucking town seems to think. Every person that’s ever brought it up made it seem like it was the worst thing in the world. Then he realises the irony that the boy who constantly makes jokes about pussy and fucking his best friend’s mother would turn out to be the faggot. Of course he would, his life’s a cruel joke used to make whoever the fuck created the universe get a good laugh.

He reckons all those jokes were overcompensation. His brain substituting jokes in place of actual attraction. The more he thinks about his past the more he realises that he never liked girls. He never felt like he had a crush on any girls like everyone else he knew would talk about. All through his childhood he’d hear his friends talking about their crushes and he’d just say the name of whoever was easiest. He never actually liked any of the girls he talked about and never understood what his friends were seeing in them either. He never even knew what it was like to have a crush. Well, he does now he supposes.

He still didn’t understand what was so special about girls in the first place. He just couldn’t see what everyone else saw in them. They’re all just so _girly_. He couldn’t give two shits about two lumps of fat sticking out of someone’s chest. He doesn’t understand why they think they need to cake shit on their face to make them look like a different person. It was all so fake to him. He wanted someone who he could relate to. Someone who would laugh at his dirty jokes instead of pulling away and saying he was gross. Someone who he didn’t have to worry about being himself around, not someone who he has to feel like he’s being controlled by whatever the fuck society thinks of who needs to do what in a relationship. He supposes that these thoughts, these dreams, have made him completely throw what society thinks is normal out the window. He’s an outcast now. He has to live with this knowledge that he’s never going to be able to trick himself into thinking that he likes girls again. Now he has to actively lie his way through life to try and convince everyone else that he’s still what they want him to be. It was easier before, because he hadn’t even realised that he was lying.

Then he starts spiralling. What if he’s not good enough at covering up the truth anymore what if other people find out. Sure, he’s been called names by Bowers before but that’s Bowers, his opinion doesn’t matter. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it if those same words come from the Losers. He doesn’t even know what they’ll say. They’d probably hate him, leave him abandoned for Bowers to find and maybe then he’d get what he deserves. What would _Eddie _say if he found out the truth. He’d probably never be able to look Richie in the eyes again. He’d think Richie just some disgusting pervert who spends his night thinking up sad fantasies about his best friend to try and help his own loneliness. He supposes that’s what he is though. That’s the truth he now has to face head on.

God, how is he going to face Eddie again. There’s no way he can pretend to be normal and act the same as he has been when he didn’t know. To just be a normal boy who is strictly friends with another boy and is definitely not harbouring secret thoughts of kissing him. They were meant to all meet up at the clubhouse today to discuss what they’re going to do over the summer. He doesn’t want to go. Making plans to see people now means making plans to lie, and that sounds exhausting. His friends probably don’t want to see him anyway; not after what he did at lunch yesterday. It’s best for everyone if he just stays holed up in his room all summer. He doesn’t have to see anybody else and they don’t have to see him, it’s a win-win situation.

This also means that he doesn’t have to think about Lisa. Lisa who makes him angry just at the thought of her. If he ever saw her with Eddie, he’d probably rip her to shreds on the spot. His stupid jealousy clouding all rational judgement. This was all her fault anyway. If it wasn’t for her, he’d be perfectly content continuing through his life repressing all his feelings, especially those towards Eddie, and not having to think about the fact that his life is a lie that’s collapsing around him as he speaks. Ignorance truly is bliss; and Lisa Albrecht had the nerve to come and destroy his carefully constructed web of lies.

-

Richie’s been lying in bed for hours when he’s startled by a rap on his windowpane. He jolts up and is surprised to see the face of Eddie Kaspbrak impatiently staring at him. Richie curses his heart for jumping at the sight and rolls out of bed and to the window. This is the first time his lying skills are truly being put to the test. He pulls open the window with a “Eddie Spaghetti showing up at my window. How the tables have turned!” Eddie doesn’t seem amused and instead demands “Well are you coming to the clubhouse or not?” wasting no time on pleasantries. So, I guess the Losers weren’t just going to let him sit in his room alone all summer. But if Eddie was at his window like this, how long had the other Losers been waiting for him for. He looks back at his clock and sees it’s almost one in the afternoon. They were meant to meet up at eleven. Had they really been expecting him for this long? Especially because of how he acted yesterday.

“Right I uh… forgot.” He lies and Eddie looks at him suspiciously. “Let me just throw on some clothes and I’m coming” he says, dismissing anything Eddie was about to say. He knew if he didn’t come the Losers would only have more questions which he was definitely not prepared to give the answers to. He turns away from the window and grabs a clean shirt from his closet, deciding that he actually needs to make some sort of effort at not looking like he’d been living on the streets for years. He goes into the bathroom to change, definitely not staying in his room with Eddie still waiting by the window. He doesn’t think his brain is prepared to be remotely close to Eddie not fully clothed, at least not without having some sort of gay aneurism. Before he leaves the bathroom, he gives himself one final look in the mirror. He tries fixing his hair (who even is he anymore?) and flattening out his clothes. He takes a deep breath and looks at his reflection dead in the eyes. “Don’t be a little bitch” he whispers to himself then leaves the bathroom.

“Finally!” Eddie calls when Richie returns to his room. Richie ignores him and climbs out his window, not even bothering to leave his parents an explanation of where he was going, gets on his bike and starts making his way towards the clubhouse, Eddie in tow.

When he climbs down the ladder, he hears Bill call “Fuh-fuh-finally”, which makes him start to feel bad for how long he’s kept them waiting.

“Sorry for making you wait for my gracious presence” he jokes with a terrible British accent and an over-exaggerated bow once he reaches the ground. He sees the rest of the Losers roll their eyes in his peripheral vision. He finds his way over to the hammock, tipping out Stan who was currently using it to read some book about birds.

“Hey!” Stan cries but still doesn’t make an effort to try and get his seat back. Instead, he resigns himself to sitting on the floor in the circle the Losers have created. They begin to try and make plans to meet up and Richie mostly stays out of it. He’s scared of what he might accidentally let slip, he’s not used to this whole lying thing yet. He notices that the rest of the Losers don’t mention his unusually reserved state. They seem to be very carefully and quietly creeping around it. He reckons Beverly told the rest of them how he blew up at her yesterday and didn’t want a repeat. He hates how they’re seeing him but honestly, he can’t blame them. It’s not everyday you have a complete shattering of your identity, not that he can tell them that. They all seem perfectly happy with this weird avoidance middle-ground. Well, that is until Eddie mentions Lisa.

“I can’t do that night, I’ve made plans to meet up with Lisa” Eddie says fairly casually, and Richie can feel the atmosphere shift. The Losers all try to subtly dart their eyes towards Richie, which fails as he sees each and every one of them do it. He sees Ben shoot Eddie a look that says ‘we weren’t going to talk about her, remember’ and Richie hates it. Lisa’s name still makes Richie unreasonably angry but he’s learning on keeping that forced down. He notices that the rest of the Losers still haven’t said anything, obviously waiting for a reaction from Richie.

“Don’t worry I’m not gonna go all crazy you” he jokes putting his hands up in mock-defence. He needs to pretend that everything’s fine. That yesterday was just a bad day, and everything is perfectly normal and the same as it was before. That his life has definitely not just taken a sharp left turn over the last 24 hours. The Losers looked between themselves, unsure of what to say. Eddie the only one willing to break the silence.

“Richie’s not made of glass guys, can you stop all being so weird” he says, and Richie adores him for it. Eddie’s the only one who seems to understand that when Richie doesn’t want to talk, he won’t and there’s no reason to make any sort of fuss over it. Eddie just seems to understand him in that way, and it feels so genuine. He quickly realises that he’s falling into a spiral that could lead to some very dangerous thoughts in this situation. With everyone right there to see him or to hear something that he might accidentally let slip. But at least Eddie’s comment seems to satisfy the rest of the Losers enough to allow them to return to their previous conversation, one which Richie had only partially been listening to. 

Eventually the Losers seem to be ending their conversation. “S-s-so meet up at th-th-the quarry at t-t-two tomorrow?” Bill says and the rest of the Losers nod. Richie doesn’t want to go because he knows that Eddie will probably be dying to tell everyone all about his date and Richie doesn’t think he can handle that quite yet. Hopefully soon he’ll get control over himself and will stop letting the green-eyed monster invade his psyche with thoughts he can’t seem to shut off. He’s the first of the Losers to climb the ladder out of the clubhouse and he notices nobody try and stop him. He calls a half-hearted goodbye to the rest of them and starts making his way home. Nobody’s there to ride with him. He doesn’t blame them though, he wouldn’t follow himself home either, not after he’s been so weird all day.

When 7pm rolls around Richie is alone in his room thinking about Eddie and Lisa. He can’t help it knowing that they’re together on a stupid date right now while he’s alone with only his sad unrealistic fantasies of happiness. As much as he tries to repress these thoughts, exhaustion finally takes hold after being awake for so long. His body drifts off to sleep and his brain finds its way to the same place it did last night. At least this time he doesn’t wake with a start.

-

Richie decides that it’s for the best that he doesn’t show up to the quarry tomorrow. He hopes that nobody’s going to be waiting for him. Soon enough 2pm rolls around, then 3, then 4 and still no more knocks on his windowpane. He knows that it’s probably for the best, he doesn’t even trust himself if he has to hear about a fucking second of Eddie’s date. He mostly stays in his room wallowing in his own self pity like a piece of shit. He stays in his room the next few days. His parents come and check up on him every so often, but he just shrugs them off and eventually they learn to leave him alone.

Then, one day when he’s lying in bed reading the new Spiderman comic, a loud knock on his window breaks the careful silence he’d created. He knows it’s Eddie before he even looks up. Who else would come up to his window like this? As soon as he opens the window Eddie climbs in ungracefully and stands in front of Richie. “Alright, what the fuck is up with you” he demands, completely skipping over any pleasantries like last time. He knows this means Eddie is getting annoyed.

“Really? No how are you Richie you amazingly handsome motherfucker” Richie teases and Eddie rolls his eyes and crosses his arms disapprovingly. ‘_Cute’_ Richie thinks, but curses his brain immediately. He hadn’t seen Eddie in days, but he was hoping that he had finally learned to control himself.

“Well, are you going to start talking or what?” Eddie insists and Richie knows he’s serious about getting an answer. As much as he thinks that he’ll be able to lie his way out of this he’s still scared that something might slip; he can’t trust his own brain after all. He has to stall Eddie to come up with an excuse. He really should have been thinking about his before. It’s not like he was going to be able to hide in his room forever and nobody would come looking.

“What’s up with the other Losers?” he asks trying to completely deflect Eddie’s question. “I haven’t seen them for a few days” Eddie looks less than impressed.

“Yeah and who’s fault is that” he accuses back, and Richie knows that no amount of deflection is going to get Eddie off his case. Then, he turns and looks Richie dead in the eyes. “Now will you tell me what the fuck has been wrong with you the past few days?” Richie is slightly taken aback by Eddie’s directness. “I finally get asked out by someone and suddenly you’re acting all quiet and weird. Then you go and yell at Bev for just trying to help. Now you’re just avoiding all of the Losers. What. The. Fuck” he’s never seen Eddie as intense as this. So determined with a take-no-shit attitude. Richie kind of loves it; but he also knows he’s been caught. But at least his brain has finally started working again and he spits out the first excuse he can think of.

“I was sick” he tries “my parents forced me to stay home. I was all weird because I was coming down with something” Eddie seems unimpressed. “It hit me so all of a sudden and my mother forced me to stay in bed the next few days. But I’m fine now it was just some flash sickness” he babbles on trying to make it seem more believable.

“That’s bullshit and you know it” Eddie retorts with his arms crossed, obviously Richie’s attempts at believability were in vain. “You never had any symptoms of a cold, no flushed face, cough, runny nose, watery eyes; and besides sickness makes you tired, not angry; _and_ you seem perfectly fine today, you should still at least have signs that you just came off a cold” Richie now realises that it was definitely a bad idea to lie about sickness to someone who probably had the bottles of every single drug on the market memorised like the back of his hand. 

“I told you, it came and went so fast” he still tries but Eddie’s unimpressed glare remains unchanged.

“Bullshit” Eddie says “I’ve never seen you act like that before, and god knows I’ve seen you get sick with all the disgusting shit you get yourself into. I don’t even know what was going through your mind. God, it was almost like you were jealous or something” Eddie says, exasperated. Richie knows that his face gives him away immediately. His eyes widen in shock and his jaw drops open. He feels like he’s been slapped in the face. Richie recedes back into himself, trying to ignore looking Eddie in the eyes, like that would make his reaction any less suspicious. But it’s too late, Eddie has seen that he’s hit the nail on the head. “What do you like Lisa or something?” he asks with a little laugh. Richie realises how stupid he was being in that very moment. That was the easiest excuse ever. Richie mentally face palms himself for not even realising that was an option. But now he has to convince Eddie that it’s true and pray his face hasn’t already given him away.

“Wow, fuck you Eds, seeing right through me” he jokes, trying to get back into his normal persona.

“Oh, um, really?” Eddie responds, obviously not expecting Richie to agree with him. So taken aback that he doesn’t even mention that Richie just called him Eds. “Were- were you going to ask her out? Is that why you got all weird when she came up to me?” he asks delicately, obviously unsure of what he should say.

“Uh yeah, I was actually thinking about that” he lies through his teeth trying to put on his most convincing act. “I just think she’s cute with her brown hair and those wide hazel eyes”. Richie brain has suddenly forgotten that he’s meant to be talking about Lisa. He doesn’t even realise that Lisa’s eyes are blue. If Richie was actually paying attention to Eddie, he would have seen him looking at Richie in confusion, knowing that he must he lying. But Richie doesn’t see him; and his brain is moving too fast for him to catch up with it. “I just got so mad at the thought of you two on that date because I wanted to be the one there with her. We’d be laughing together at some shitty movie then I’d reach out and hold your hand-”

Eddie realises what just happened before Richie does.

“What?” Eddie chokes out in disbelief and Richie’s face drops as the reality of what just happened hits him like a train.

“Fuck, sorry, I meant her I swear” he frantically says, trying to fix the situation.

“You know I can when you’re lying Richie” he says, and Richie laughs a little to himself. If Eddie could really tell when he was lying, then he would have seen that his entire life up until this point has been a lie. A lie to hide a carefully guarded secret pushed so deep down inside that he was able to hide it from himself. He then suddenly realises that he’s still standing here in front of Eddie with his biggest secret just lying there in plain sight.

“Richie, do you um-” he hears Eddie start and he knows exactly what’s about to come out of Eddie’s mouth next. And there’s no way he’ll be able to handle Eddie saying it out loud. He can barely even say it to himself.

“Fuck, sorry, fuck, I have to go” he forces out, cutting Eddie off before he can finish what he was going to say. Richie stumbles forwards towards his window. He practically dives out and sprints to pick up his bike. Eddie _knows_. He can feel his throat start to close up, his eyes start to water. His stomach is on the verge of forcing his lunch back up. He gets on his bike as fast as his body allows him. He can still hear the sound of Eddie calling his name over the loud ringing in his ears and the pounding of his heart in his chest. But he doesn’t let that stop him. He pedals away as fast as humanly possible, faster than he ever has before. Because now he’s not trying to pedal away from something physical; he’s trying to pedal away from something far worse. Something that will always catch up to him no matter how hard he tries. He’s trying to escape the truth.

-

Richie lets his legs peddle him back to the same place in the woods he was a few days ago. It’s the only place that he knows that he’ll be alone. He can’t go to the clubhouse or the quarry out of fear that one of the Losers might be there to see him in this awful state. He throws his bike down onto the ground, hearing it crash against the leaves, then sinks down into the floor.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid” he keeps repeating to himself over and over again. It’s been less than a week since his life crashed around him and now he’s gone and destroyed the only think that was keeping him happy. He knows that Eddie will never want to see him again. That Eddie probably thinks that he’s some sick and disgusting pervert. He was meant to be able to control himself, to hide himself away and repress all of these thoughts, at least until he was able to leave Derry. He had resigned himself to live in misery alone for the next few years because it was better than everyone else knowing and hating him too.

Richie sits curled up for hours. He doesn’t want to go back home because then he’ll only be reminded of what happened there. At this point he was perfectly content with staying outside till he dies in whatever way the universe wants to take him out, because at least then he won’t have to face Eddie again. The sun is setting in the sky and he listens quietly to the sounds of birds chirping in the trees, going home to their nests. That is until his solitude is completely destroyed by a voice he could recognise anywhere.

“Richie!” Eddie calls and a shiver runs down Richie’s spine. _‘How did he find me?’_ he thinks and shifts over behind a tree until he’s more concealed from where he thinks Eddie is coming from. “Richie!” Eddie calls again desperately. ‘_Why is he looking for me anyway, surely he never wants to se me again. That must be why he’s here, to tell me to fuck off and never talk to him again’_ “Rich-” Eddie starts calling again but something makes him stop. Richie can hear Eddie getting closer. Then he hears Eddie again but this time its different, quieter. “Richie, I know you’re around here somewhere, I know that this is your bike” he says talking to the air. ‘_SHIT_’ Richie thinks, he had completely forgotten about his bike, it was just sitting there waiting to be seen. He holds his breath and curls up as much as possible hoping that somehow, Eddie would just walk past him.

“Oh, Richie” he hears Eddie say and he knows he’s been seen. He looks up and sees Eddie staring back at him, he looks concerned, caring even. _‘It’s probably just pity’_ Richie tries to rationalise ‘_pity at the disgusting little boy who just lost his best friend’_. Eddie crouches down and puts his hand on Richie’s knee. Richie reacts instinctively.

“Get the fuck away from me” he spits scrambling away from Eddie’s touch.

“Richie please, I’m not going to hurt you” he hears Eddie say desperately. “I-I like you too”. Now this gets Richie’s attention. He stares at Eddie, dumbfounded. There’s no way that Eddie likes him back, it must just be some sick joke. Something to make fun of him and to make him feel worse than he already does.

“God, Eddie just tell me you that you hate me. Tell me that you think I’m disgusting and that you never want to see me again. Get it over with already! I can’t deal with you making fun of me like this!” he yells, feeling the strain in his voice, worn out from all of the crying he’s done over the past few hours.

“Richie, I’m telling the truth!” Eddie begs “I’m not making fun of you I swear”. He looks so genuine, but Richie’s brain can’t allow him to believe it. There’s no way that this is actually real and happening, it has to be some cruel joke.

“Yeah, right” Richie huffs and Eddie looks like he’s had enough. He comes and sits down right next to Richie and before Richie can move away again, Eddie’s holding Richie’s face between his hands. Before Richie even realises what’s happening Eddie leans in and kisses him right on the lips.

It happens so fast Richie doesn’t even have time to close his eyes. It can’t have been more than a second but that’s all it takes for his brain to short circuit.

“I- you-um” he stutters out and he sees Eddie lightly giggle and smile to himself. He’s still so close to Richie’s face. Seeing Eddie smile like that forces instinct to take over and he pulls Eddie back in for another kiss. This time Richie closes his eyes.

It feels like everything has finally slotted into place. All those thought of being disgusting and wrong pushed to the very back of his mind because he’s here, now, his lips against Eddie’s and it all feels so _right_. He can’t understand how somebody could hate something like this. There’s no way he’ll ever be able to shut down and repress his thoughts of Eddie again, now that he knows what this feels like. In that moment he couldn’t give a fuck about the bullying, the name calling, the judgement, the violence he’s going to have to face in the future because he knows that it will be worth it, if he can feel this safe, this loved, by another person. In total the kiss doesn’t last longer than 10 seconds before Eddie’s pulling away; but it was enough.

“Wow” Eddie breathes, leaving his forehead pressed against Richie’s. Richie’s smiling like an idiot.

“I know” he whispers back, even though there’s nobody else around to hear. Nothing can break this little bubble they’ve created around themselves. They sit there for a few minutes resting against each other with only the sounds of their own breathing to fill the silence. Eventually, Richie pulls away once he feels like he’s gotten control over his mind. He can’t believe that his life has changed so much in such a short amount of time. Richie of one week ago would never fucking believe what was happening right now; but Richie of one week ago wasn’t happy, not really. But now Richie’s sitting here after just kissing Eddie and couldn’t be happier. In some ironic way, he’s going to have to thank Lisa Albrecht for being the catalyst to this entire disaster. Although, supposes that he can’t consider it a disaster anymore and he doesn’t even feel angry when he thinks about her anymore. But now he’s thinking about Lisa.

“Wait, if you like me, then why did you say yes when Lisa asked you out?” Richie asks, confused. Eddie is initially taken aback by the sudden change in the atmosphere but still answers anyway.

“I was trying to avoid thinking about my feeling for you” Eddie admits quietly, obviously embarrassed. A warm blush starting to rise up in his cheeks. He clears his throat “and I mean… I couldn’t exactly say no with everyone there” he quickly follows up with trying to take the spotlight off what he just said.

“Awe you couldn’t get ol’ trashmouth here off your mind” Richie jokes, finally coming back to his normal self. Eddie rolls his eyes and blushes even harder.

“I swear, you have some sort of deficiency that makes you unable take anything seriously” Eddie jokes back “I broke up with Lisa this afternoon anyway”. Now _this _gets Richie’s attention.

“Why?” Richie asks dumbly, staring at Eddie. He hears Eddie quietly snort with laughter at himself.

“Richie Tozier, you really are the biggest idiot I know” Eddie says, and Richie pulls back with his mouth hanging open and his hand on his heart in mock offence. Eddie kicks Richie in the leg. “I broke up with her because you told me that you liked me” he states as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “There was no way I could go back to Lisa knowing that I had a chance with you”

That was one of the best things Richie had ever heard in his life and in that moment, honestly, how could he not pull Eddie back in for another kiss. Somehow, his life collapsing around him was the best thing that had ever happened to him and in some comedic, backwards way, he has Lisa Albrecht of all people to thank for it. And maybe, just maybe, the green-eyed monster isn’t so bad after all.


End file.
